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Maybe in Another Dreadful Life

Maybe in Another Dreadful Life

Arzalyn Auingan

Disconnecting from the outer world, I blasted the music, reclined and let the pen guide me on a sheet of paper, distracted from life.

Where is the moment we needed the most?
You kick up the leaves, and the magic is lost♫

writing by the desk

I sat on my writing desk, overlooking the window. The field, distant mountains, clambered clouds and birds–nature presented this to me, but ink refused to flow across the paper. My thoughts seem to entangle. There was a drought of idea.

Minutes passed by, I didn’t notice how tired I was until I woke up sweating despite the cold wind, and I was clutching the blank papers. A strong blast of wind snatched one from my grasp and carried out toward the balcony that pitched and weaved.

There are nights I awake in a cold sweat to recall the sea storms I have suffered, aching for friends lost to the waves. Right now I would give anything to wake up, for this storm to be just a recreation of my synapses, another lesson from my subconscious. But there is no waking up from this nightmare. I can taste the salty air, something that never happens when I dream; I feel the cold bite of the wind and my heart is pumping several times faster than it ought to. Should I see tomorrow, it will be with a new nightmare to recall.

♫’Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around ♫

rain in the city life

The same music is still playing. It was then I realized that it was on repeat. That moment reminded me of that one night.

Seated in the backseat of a yellow cab, a familiar song was blaring out a slur of words in my ear, the only noise I could hear. Rain fell at some point, making their usual pitter-patter. My eyes caught a pair of raindrops, crisscrossing, and racing past each other to see who’d get down first. I kept my eyes on them intently.

Oh, how they brought me back to the blissful days. They take me back to the race we spent in the field. They remind me how I always get to the bottom first, waiting for him. They remind me of how I was the one who fell first, fell hard for him all those months ago. Now, it was just a skeleton of black and white memories.

The cab then stopped at a familiar place. I went out and walked away from Cadillac’s and city lights, as if skipping through soundtracks and photographs. Rain continued mourning each car I passed by. It mourns all the sorrows I cannot poke, all the letters I cannot write, all the words I cannot say.


Reality of Life

And then I saw him again. He was standing there, under the waiting shed, as if waiting for me, or maybe it was just my imagination.

“I think this is how people get lost after being in love.”
“How?”
“It breaks them until they can’t even move to find their selves again.”
“How?” I repeated.
“What? I already told you—”
“How did you fall out?”

There was silence after that. The kind of silence you’d never wished to hear. The kind of silence that is almost deafening you’d rather cover your ears.

“I just realized one day that I don’t love you anymore,” he broke the silence together with my heart.
“Last night, you told me you love me.”
“I just did that, because if I didn’t, you’ll get hurt.”

The rain, it continued to mourn all those summer days full of pure bliss, with the sunlight fissuring through the trees. And yet how did we ever become that sweet summer’s downfall?

“And you think you’re not hurting me now?” I retorted.
He was silent.
“You should have just stopped saying it when you realized that you fall out.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “Don’t. It’s like you regret every single second you are with me.”
“No. I don’t. If you can just forget me, things will be easier for you.”

Those words fall out of his mouth like vapor but landed in my guts as heavy drops of ice. I feel my insides tear.

“Maybe in another life, Caleb,” I finally said, staring off at the distant city lights and buildings, feeling the cold creep into my bones. His name rolled off easily from my tongue like a reflex.

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand.

He nodded and stirred lightly, as if preparing to leave when he saw his bus approaching. His movements are still slow and graceful. It was almost too painful, almost too delicate, and almost too poetic.

He finally spoke, bringing me back to reality. It was almost too soft, too weak, but I heard it.

“Maybe in another life.”

♫You work at a smile, and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie♫

Bad Day by Daniel Powter is still playing in the background. I forced myself not to think about that one night as I looked at the blank papers on my table. I tried to scribble a few sentence, but stop when I can’t think of a continuation.

I sighed. The feeling won’t just go away. Maybe it’s all still here, like storms made of bruises and the relics of Carthage under siege.

They say a black hole weighs millions of solar masses; I don’t know where that weight comes from. Maybe it’s from the guilt of the primordial gods, or from the chaos of a dying star.

And yet somehow, this celestial phenomenon has found its way inside my skin, and in some way, I’ve become the black hole I’ve been trying to tame as I forget about the pain, and about him.

♫So where is the passion when you needed the most?
Oh, you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost♫

I crumpled the paper and throw it out in the trash bin, wishing I could do the same with the hurricanes inside my head.

Maybe in another life, it would be happier, huh?

I scribbled a few sentence again on the blank paper. Maybe for now, I’ll just have to let my pen bleed to let the pain out.

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

See Also

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

Again, silence filled the air and yet, at the same time, it was filled by other things—defeat, heartbreak, resignation, the sounds of the vehicle speeding off, the pain gnawing in my gut, and the stupid need to reach out for his hand. life

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